Lovely photo Pippa! Hope all is going well with you Shaun - there is a bit less of you already, so you are on the way!

THE FAT BLOKE DIARIES

Episode Four - The Rhythm Method

It’s about time we talked about my exercise routine. That still sounds strange; me, a card-carrying, dyed-in-the-wool fat bloke actually having an exercise routine. But have one I do, and it goes like this.

On two of the five weeknights I get home from the office at around five pm, have an early meal, do some more writing at home and then change into some shorts and a t-shirt that I wouldn’t normally be seen dead in (my favourite shirt of the moment says ‘Legend in the Making’). Then it’s forty minutes or so on the bike before a long relaxing bath. On Saturdays and Sundays I attempt to push myself, seeing just how far I can ride each day. When the spots before my eyes get so bad that I can no longer see, I know it’s time to dismount, if I haven’t fallen off already â€" something that’s happened more than once.

But I’m not alone on this voyage round my dining room. Accompanying me are the musical heroes of my formative years, the soundtrack of my life travelling in MP3 format. 1,200 songs on shuffle mode. Each cycling session is a random journey into my musical history, like listening to my own personal radio station. If I close my eyes â€" which I usually do as I can’t see much without my glasses, and I don’t like having to clean the dried rivers of perspiration from them â€" then I’m sometimes transported back to the seventies and eighties of my youth . As anyone who has made it to middle age will tell you, these were times when the songs were better, the summers longer and I hadn’t a care in the world, except for wondering which actor would become the next Doctor Who.

Back then I certainly wouldn’t have found myself in a darkened dining room with my eyes tight shut trying to reclaim my youth by pedalling the pounds away. I'm aware that it’s only ever going to be a partial success at best, but at least the music is still great.

Much to my surprise I find that my legs take on a life of their own, trying to match the rhythm of the song. As the beats pound so do the pedals, which is great if it’s Slade or Heaven 17 (did I mention that I'm an OLD fat bloke?), but not so good if it's something faster. The other day, for example, a dance beat track by The Prodigy came on, and I nearly killed myself.

Then a song started up by the darling of the depressive, Leonard Cohen, and I nearly killed myself all over again.

Finally, in a superb ironic twist, the batteries died and saved me the trouble.

I’m not a natural born cyclist, I’m a fat bloke. And I’m not a singer either, certainly not forty minutes into a session on the bike, but sometimes even I become a slave to the rhythm. Out it all comes, in a not-very-melodic stream of consciousness. For example, the other day ‘Tainted Love’ appeared on my player's random rotation. Brilliant. But the Soft Cell classic is a pretty fast track, so given the speed I was pedalling and the length of time I’d already been going, there was no way that I was ever going to keep up with Marc Almond’s singing, and of course with my earphones in place my vocals were a lot louder than I intended. So while I’d planned a gentle accompaniment to my furious leg action, what I actually produced was the following;

“Sometimes I feel I’ve got to…� (puff, pant, cough) “…Get away from the pain…� (gasp, heave, wheeze) “…Woah, Tainted Love�

As you can imagine, it wasn’t a Grammy winning performance.

And my partner isn’t particularly enjoying my singing cycler act either. She’s usually in another room with the door between us firmly closed, but her peace and quiet is often shattered by my pained vocalisations. She doesn’t know whether I’m joining in with the song or crying out in agony.

She may be used to the singing by now, but my embarrassment plumbed new depths the other day when she walked in to find me eyes shut, pedalling maniacally and air-drumming for all I was worth.

It’s one more reason why drum solos are just plain wrong.

© 2008 Shaun Finnie

I wonder if my 11 year old step daughter will be thinking the exact same thing in another 30 years time...

Great read, Shaun. And my definition of OLD is not being able to recall 80's greats... Heaven 17, haven't thought of them in ages. But the issue of the next Dr Who is still a concern to me!

Keeep pedaling!

.... have you signed up to the THIN challenge yet Shaun? Sounds as if you're already doing it!


my brother used to play Slade all the time

Brilliant read as usual Shaun. Well done for keeping us amused

Sorry for sounding stupid, but what is this? Where is this?

Glad you're enjoying it. I'm enjoying writing it. Just wish all this effort was having more effect though. Slow and steady, I just keep telling myself that...

THIN is a post on the Ab Fab forum - you need to join the Ab Fab group to see it.

Try Harder In November!

HI Shaun
Gosh you took my back to my tained love days when I thought Marc Almond was fab. A hard track to cycle to let along sing along with. I do feel sorry for your partner....! but if it gets results don't knock it. A brilliant piece of writing! Sounds like you are now in the cycling groove! A nutritionalist told me today that we are officially allowed one glass of red wine (Women) men 2 per day it helps with expanding the red blood cells not sure how. So hold that thought! I so sympathise with exercising when wearing or not wearing glasses my 15 year old son has to do rugby in a near blind state cos he takes his glasses off. Can't wait till the next instalment.

I actually prefer not to wear my glasses. As I said in the Diary, the sweat on the lenses thing, but I find that as I perspire a little (!!!) they start slipping around and feeling generally uncomfortable. If I close my eyes I can just dream as I exercise - let it just happen. I find it a nice mental state to get into.

Well done Shaun - I think that you are playing a storm! Perspiration MUST equal weight loss, yes? Keep going for it!

My T-shirt says :- My Pace or Yours. lol



Isn't it great how music spurs you on. Keep on moving to the groove Shaun, your doing great by the sounds of it.

More news soon please.
Carol

Must look it up; I'm back from my hols. Reflected on my 3 glasses of water a day challenge of October and realised that i had failed. the water turned to cider and wine in the last week and I have not dared stand on the scales. THIN is not a moment to soon.

Loved the 4th episode Shaun; laughed aloud as I read and my husband wondered what was up!

I saw these at the Great North Run exhibition. I was very tempted but I have lots of running gear...

... it's a miracle!

... how did that boy of yours get on without you? Bet he had a whale of a time with his godmother!

he was totally spoilt though slightly overloaded with all the entertainment she laid on. - in a nice way. She bought him amongst other things a loved firemans helmet from ELC. Being 10 he is too big for the ELC outfit but has a pair of joggers with a stripe down and told me that he is wearing that and the hat for our firework party on friday; he clearly thinks he has a responsibility over the fireworks and it did make me chuckle as he was deadly serious. He had a lovely time but is pleased to be home. We did miss him and ended up ringing every night although it was lovely to spend time with each other too. I cannot remember when we last curled up to watch a DVD together or just sat in companionable silence reading.

Aw - lovely

Well earned Cally! Glad all went well - you would have missed your boy much more than he would have missed you!

we sat there planning all the things he would like to do if we took him there next year!

I got mine from NikeTown.

Can anyone join this THIN club I need a bit of a push at the moment.

Carol

I guess so! I'm inviting myself!!

Of course you can Carol - all you need to do is Try Harder In November!

I like the idea of the THIN
as long as it doesn't all FAT
(Fall Apart Tomorrow)

Oh Shaun that is so good!

Cally glad you and your son both had great times.

What a great read. Very cheering. How comforting to know there's someone elso out there with plenty pounds to shift. Good luck, Shaun. Saira.

OK, an update - the Fat Bloke has now officially lost 10 lbs. There are ups and downs, and I have so much potential material for the diary that it's starting to fall behind. But tonight will be a test. I've written a small play and it's being performed tonight. There will be Champagne and chocolates (one of each won't hurt), but after the show there will also be the dreaded FREE BAR!!!

Just wanted to post so that I have a record of me saying this - I do not intend to drink much. Two beers will suffice.

Shaun well done with the play. How about alternating water with the beers!

Congrats on the 10lbs!

Well done Shaun - you're well on the way to a stone off!


Congratulations again - are you nervous? I suppose being the author isn't as nerve-wrackign as actually delivering the performance.


We will ask you about this tomorrow - just keep thinking of the wrath of THC

Good luck with the play and the free bar afterwards. That's even more of a challenge than an 'all you can eat buffet'.