School holidays have truly started. Daughter who is grounded (and even when she isn't has a 9.00 curfew) wasn't in when I got home from work and still isn't in - husband of course is at work - so I'm sat here waiting, wanting to go to bed as I've had a long, tiring day - and I can't even have a drink while I'm waiting in case something's happened to her and I need to drive to pick her up from somewhere.

With my eldest when he used to do this sort of thing I used to drive myself insane worrying and I try to ring the police thinking something awful had happened, but I gave up on that eventually as our local police never answer the phone.

Sorry to whinge on but I'm angry and worried and if it carries on much longer I'm going to start wanting to eat everything ion sight!

Why didn't I stick to the original life plan never to have children!!

Stupid I guess

She's just walked in - "hi mum" like nothing wrong! I'm off to bed Hubby can have words tomorrow.

Typical kids i'm afraid. Mine is just the same. They just can't seem to see the importance of just letting us know where they are and that they are OK. They all have mobile phones these days so a simple phone call wouldn't hurt would it??

Grr! I'm sure that I didn't put my parents through constant worry when I was younger... Well maybe not.

Jean
God I so agree with you nightmare arn't they. My 19 year old Uni student is sort of in the family but not and the 15 year old just grunts and moans at me but I still love them!. Know just what you mean by late nights and non communicating teenagers!

Hmm Jean I think your problem is that you are trying to be 'top dog' - I learnt very early on that I take instruction from the kids!! Yes Mother I know 'rod for my back'. The son is OK, well especially as he's at uni and when he's home I can't worry about him, he's an adult. The daughter I worry about especially when I can't get a hold of her on her mobile (and her friends) and forgetting there's no connection on the underground. But she has mood swings that we never saw in the boy. As I said I'm not very good at admonishing but I have learnt to ride the tantrums and at all times trust my kids to do the right things. I hope at the end of the day they know their boundaries. Thing is right we worried that our kids would never eat solids, learn to walk, settle at nursery etc and yet they did - this is just another phase (albeit a long one and tiresome one) that we have to ride. The phase just gone is always so much easier than the one your going through!!!
Oh there is one thing - you know how other people's kids are always so much better behaved than your own? Perhaps when they reach teenagers we should move them on one family, get them back before their 20th in time to worry about Uni finals and getting a job and buying a home and finding the right partner, and having children ......................!!

Getting their friend's mobile numbers and ringing them to check up is a very quick way to get over the message that you really have to know where they are when they haven't kept to agreed times. What could be more embarrasing

Good advice Sue

Have done this in the past!

Thanks for the advice and support all. I'll give Sue's idea a try next time she does this - she won't answer her own phone if she knows it's me ringing.

Now does anyone have a clever comeback to "I love my dad and my nan" note the pointed absence of mum in that list!

I suspect that my own tendency to put myself down in the past has led her to believe that it's perfecgtly ok to be horrid to me - or maybe I'm just being oversensitive. Of course it would help if her dad would occasionally tell her to belt up when she's being at her most obnoxious.

Children have a real knack for saying the most hurtful things. But just keep reminding yourself who the grown up is; this tends to stop me from really losing it or trying the (inevitably doomed) guilt trip.

My youngest daughter was unbelievably awful aged 13 and I used to wonder if I never bonded with her at birth - the hospital was short staffed and I wasn't allowed to hold her - and as she was born incredibly fast, my husband wasn't there to intervene. But aged 16 she is lovely - a real friend and although she still sometimes tells me that I am the worst mother in the world, she always apologises afterwards.

Have just had a row with 19 year son over not working at study or getting a job (he is writing a panto for Uni which he is directing and retaking a module so this comes first apparently). I can't see why he would not want to make staying on a priority if it was me. Anyway today a better day after taking same son to A & E as he had jammed his finger in a front door at a party when drunk and had to have a minor pressure easing procedure - He did have loads of sympathy from me but I have a limited supply. I think we are no longer suited to living under the same roof. Second son 15 however is still lovely and kind even when teenage and grumpy.

Give me patience. The boys say I am calmer when I have been running and I do think I can rise above most issues then.

Jean thanks for the water bottle.

Your 19 year old son sounds just like mine Pippa. Except mine decided not to go to university(which was probably the right decision) and works in a bar at the moment. Its difficult really. We live in a village of affluent people who have no qualifications - I think he compares their qualifications to the degrees of his poorer parents and thinks which way he'd prefer. He wants to move out but is currently discovering how much it might cost.

Have just had another disagreement with son NO 1 who would not eat what I had done for lunch and didn't even have a shower before coming down to eat. So he has gone out to get crap food in the rain. He belittles everything I say and makes me feel very small at the moment. They have no idea how much things cost. At least your son is working mine refuses as he is directing the uni pantomime so has to write it and that is more important than earning extra cash. Makes me mad....!

How are things now, Pippa, 3-4 hours later?? I SO know how you feel!

I believe this is an easily missed or hidden danger of a 'negative self-image'. The attitude transfers easily to others, especially easily influenced or impressionable people like teenagers. After all, they're still learning how to deal with people. Most of their learning is from observed behaviour (think 'peer pressure') and when they see and hear you being negative about yourself; ipso facto, it's ok to be negative to you.

We have a major problem with this in our household also. Ruth and I ended up having a 'heated discussion' about this very thing a couple of days ago. Her Son and two Daughters seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to be extremely rude to her, exactly as described above, telling her she's "stupid" or"pathetic" and whinging about abso-bloody-lutely everything!!

I am normally very tolerant and easy going, but rudeness is the one thing that I absolutely cannot abide. As a step-parent, I have to be extremely careful what I say and do, so normally I try to exert influence in a 'behind the scenes' sort of way. However, when it got to the point that I was feeling anger, bordering on rage, all the time, only happy when I left the house to go to work and dreaded coming home, something had to be done.

Situation is much calmer now, and as the 'adult' in the situation, I have realised that I have to be the one to 'lead' any change. But, Lord knows, it ain't easy.!

How do you rationalise the fact that you can love somebody to bits, whilst at the same time want to strangle them? LOL

I saw a t-shirt once with the perfect definition of stress written on it. It said that:

"Stress is having to restrain yourself from choking the living sh*t out of some ars*hole that so richly desrves it!!"

LOL




Exactly our problem in a nutshell!! Exacerbated by the 'step-parent' angle!



Possible answer in a simple equation:

When: The number of hours you spend being angry/annoyed/frustrated X your hourly pay rate = monthly rent on a flat; it's time to subsidise a move!!

LOL

Only joking................................... I think


Why don't kids come with an instruction manual?

Signed,

Confused in Norfolk xx

I only have little ones at the moment, but I can recommend a great book.

How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber

This was book was a great help with my mentoring. Yes, it's a bit Americanised in parts, but the general advice is sound. I got it from the library, but I'm seriously thinking of buying a copy. There's one for dealing with younger kids too.

As a non-parent, it all sounds a nightmare. Thank goodness I stuck with dogs and cats. I remember what I was like at 14 or 15. So angry, but only thinking about how I felt - never a thought about how objectionable I was to live with. I am trying to remember the comment my mother made after I had gone a whole week without speaking to anyone at home - something which made me realise that I was being unfair.

So being a sexgod also has its problems! I think that your situation must be super difficult, but you sound like you are doing the right thing. Your step children should respect you for standing up for their mother. In fact it ought to make them feel a little guilty. I wonder if it does.

I get loads of inspiration from books and can follow them up to a point. But there is no getting away from the difficulty of growing up. Lets face it. It is difficult. I remember an enormous row after I came in after midnight on my 18th birthday. In fact I could not wait to get away from my parents - who I think are fantastic now. Just keep your cool and hang on in there. It might take years, but it will be all right in the end.

I am calmer now but decided not to let son No 1 get to me....! Will definitely have a run tomorrow!

Have not had a run as it is raining hard here but have just had an hours walk by my self! Son No 1 has finished uni work and is going away tomorrow for a few days which will help us all!!

Yes that does make it easier Pippa - my eldest child is home from university and although she is wonderful we find it really hard to adjust to having her around. But this week we have the perfect compromise. She is house sitting for some friends who have gone on holiday to Florida with our 19 year old son. So we are alone with my two youngest children. It is relatively peaceful.

Sue
Sounds nice and peaceful. I know exactly what you mean about adjustment, - noise and drama I shall be glad of the peace and quiet for 3 days and I am sure he needs to get away from us! Anyway off to health farm on Monday! And the sun is shining today which makes a big difference to me.

Hi all

Thanks for the comments, support and suggestions. Daughter is getting more stroppy each day. The thing I miss most in the holidays is the quiet time I have during term time. I work in a small office on my own so mostly have a choice whether or not to talk to anhyone after I've done the rounds in the morning and collected work. I'm also first up and whilst taking medicines I can sit quietly and set myself up for the day. During the holidays the telly's on, the computer's on, radio's are playing - you get the picture!!
Still she's still breathing so that's another gold star to me!!

I'm still catching up on posts I've missed as I've not been able to get on the computer for several days but I'm off to bed now.

I know how you feel Jean, you don't want to wish your life (or their life) away, but you just can't wait for them to get back to school. A friend of mine believes that we all carry a bad mother stick which punishes us whatever we do. When mine were little, if I had a full time job I felt awful because I wasn't there for them and when I wasn't working I always felt that they had a better time with their nanny who wasn't juggling housework, providing educational activities and slobbing in front of the television!

I went through it all with my son, sometimes he didn't come home from work, even though I had a meal waiting for him. Instead he'd come home sometime in the early hours drunk as a skunk. Thankfully things have changed since he joined the RAF. We both get on a lot better than we did, I think that he has grown up a hell of a lot in the past couple of years. Before we were both in dead end jobs, since then I have another job as well, which is more meaningful.

How old is your daughter by the way.

I agree you Jean and Sue about wishing their lives away. I feel sometimes not as good as other mothers in organizing but at least my boys sometimes still talk to me! 15 year old still in bed now as I write...! peaceful. Yes I feel the house is not my own when noise is blasting out from everywhere and I end up in the garden. Anyway well done Jean for remaining calm. I think I am worse when not occupied with work (mine is quiet at the moment) so I have more time to get in their faces when really I should leave them be.

It is soooo tempting to wish their lives away (or mine).Eldest son has just moved back home this morning - I gather he and girlfriend have had a falling out. I managed not to drag daughter by her hair out of the living room the other night which is what I really wanted to do!!! However partly due to the ongoing aggro with her - husband and I are now not talking. It almost makes me want to go back to work (not quite though) September will come round soon enough.

Im trying to be kind to myself as I can't afford another major depressive episode but at times the black clouds seem unavoidable. It really helps to be able to come on here and let go.

This too shall pass (repeat until I believe it)

I also think Jean coming on here makes you realise we are all going through very similar stuff - when my son came home from uni I dreaded the long days ahead having him sleep all day and eating the contents of my fridge all night. However he's been working for the last month and it's been pleasant sitting down with him in the evenings. Similarly my daughter has been away and after a month returns next week - I'm dreading the ensuing arguments, my husband freaks at the state of her room, the brother winds her up endlessly, I hate the constant spending on more clothes and then there's the washing.......... I wonder if we should have had one child at a time? Of course we were model children!!!

My neighbour used to have a car sticker which said "being a grandmother is easy - you should be one first". We will get our revenge one day!

I understand how you feel Jean. I once threw a glass of pineapple juice over my daughter when she was ranting at me. It certainly silenced her, but afterwards I was thoroughly ashamed of myself. After all I was supposed to be the mature one. I remember being in a friend's kitchen when his daughter was complaining about something he had done (quite selflessly to ensure her safety). I would have been furious, but he calmly apologised, explained that he thought he'd been helpful and refused to get involved in any arguement. I found it really helpful to think of this when I was ready to explode.

I love the kitten in your photo.

hi all
Awaiting son No 1 's arrival from Cardiff when he missed the bus yesterday and failed to tell us. We are off to a folk festival tomorrow so I will have to keep my cool. My son and I have a cautious relationship at the moment quite polite with each other. Anyway will put up with Son no 1 as long as he is around to look after son No 2 whilst we are away at the Henlow Grange spa for 2 days!

Jean and Sue well done for remaining calm in the face of adversity.

Have good weekends!

A folk festival sounds fun Pippa - I used to go to loads when I was younger, before my social life was cut off by children and the lack of ready cash resulting from them. But I do still belong to a morris dancing team - which must be good for burning calories.

Have a good weekend everyone